2017

Well its finally here, a new year!  2016 was an interesting year.  For me, it started off with a lot of heartache.  Last year taught me that everything in life is temporary.  People will come and go (and sometimes come back around again), feelings will change, and unexpected things will happen.  Through all of that you have to learn to cherish the good times, and remember that the bad times will not last forever.  Last year I lost someone I never thought would leave, but found people I never thought I would find, and even reconnected with someone I never thought I would see again.

This is not going to be one of those new year, new me posts.  In fact there is nothing I want to change about myself.  My resolution for 2017 is to be unapologetically, authentically me.  And to do that through being honest about my struggles, honest about my feelings, standing up for myself more, and getting out of this comfort zone I have built around myself.  I think too many people are too afraid to show who they really are for fear that other people won’t accept them or are too afraid to admit their struggles.  So, not this girl, at least not anymore.  This year is about honesty, going on more adventures, following my dreams, creating great love, doing more things that scare me, realizing that I am perfect just the way that I am, and being authentically me!

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Hurt…

So I started this thing, posted a few times and then stopped. I guess that’s how a lot of things go in life.  We decide we’ll start something and then all the sudden the interest is completely lost.  But what happens when that thing is a person?  What happens when we chose to do life with someone else and then suddenly we don’t want to anymore?  The answer is a lot of hurt….

On to the last year and half…or maybe 2 years of life.  So this single girl met a guy.  What seemed like the perfect guy!  Super sweet, caring, hardworking, good looking, Christian guy.  I guess you could say I fell… I fell hard and I fell fast, as I have come accustomed to doing too many times (one day I will learn from past mistakes).  The fall was fun, exciting, it felt good, but the landing face first on sharp rocks was not any of those things.  Mr Perfect eventually moved in, against all my mom’s advice, but it seemed right.  We had fun together, we enjoyed just sitting next to each other.  I literally enjoyed just being anywhere that he was.  Eventually those new relationship feelings wore off but things were still good.  We didn’t spend as much time just being together but we still had fun.  Then eventually the fun started wearing off and it was more Mr Perfect having fun while I was wishing he wasn’t ignoring me all night long.  I realized that maybe I didn’t get all the love and affection I needed but I loved him and it seemed right, so I should just stay and put up with it….right?  WRONG!  Eventually Mr Perfect broke my heart, and it turned out he wasn’t so perfect anymore.

Turns out Mr Perfect was actually Mr selfish and Mr controller and Mr jerk and Mr cheap and Mr excuses and Mr bad boyfriend….the list could go on and on.  I realized that he only cared about himself, he never worried about my feelings and what I needed in the relationship and he was not going to change.  I let the love I had for him completely blind me into thinking that everything was okay and maybe it would eventually get better.

Now not even 2 months after our breakup, and not even 2 weeks since he was last over at my apartment saying that he only cared for me, I find out that he is dating another girl.  After the whole breakup was about him not wanting to date anyone, not wanting a relationship and not wanting a commitment.  He’s saying this girl is his one and when you know you just know.  The exact same things he said to me just a short year and a half ago.  Mr Perfect has left me feeling like Ms Not Good Enough.

I look back at the whole relationship and think “I’m smarter than that, why did I put up with all of that for so long?” the answer is I let my feelings blind me from the reality that was my life.  I let the fact that he said he loved me cover up the fact that he put me down in every way, criticized my weight, talked down to me, never worried about my feelings or my well being and ignored me constantly.  That is NOT someone that loves me, that is someone who is using me like a little toy until they get bored and want a new toy.  I’m left asking why I wasn’t I enough for him?  I have all these feelings of hurt and betrayal left and the pieces of my broken heart scattered on the floor to pick up. When the reality was that he wasn’t enough for me.

I have always heard that God will never take something away without replacing it with something better. I know that He will take care of me, that in his perfect timing the right man will come along.  The one that will never leave me feeling anything less than perfect.  The one that will enjoy being anywhere I am.  The one that will never ignore me and never even think of making me cry.  The one that will love my awkwardness and won’t care about my little tummy pudge that will never go away. The one that will actually show me how much he cares and appreciates me. The one who will gladly pray with me every night before bed. And the one that will actually fulfill all his promises! I also know that I will never let a man treat me poorly again!  I will never put up with being verbally and emotionally abused ever again!  I will never put up with being made to feel like I am not good enough for someone! And I will never let my feelings blind me from reality! From now on I chose to find my identity in God and trust in his promises.  I choose to get back to the girl I was before I met Mr Not Perfect!

Sometimes in life we have to go through periods of hurt. It never feels good and it never gets any easier, but we are promised that the best is yet to come. And I choose to trust in God and know that better days are ahead of me!

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.